How Not To Be A Psychopath

There are always two options. Choice is sometimes as easy as coffee with milk or without, or to wear a t-shirt or buttoned shirt. Sometimes, though choices are harder. That’s because they come with more lasting consequences. If you want to win a card game, you could stick an ace up your sleeve, or shoot your opponent in the forehead. Clearly, the consequences here are having soggy bits of playing cards inside your shirt on wash day, or difficult to remove bloodstains. The governing mechanism for consequences is called a conscience. A conscience is what makes you different from someone who is a psychopath. A psychopath can have a chest freezer full of dismembered whores and wander off to watch Days of Our Lives without a second thought. If you have a conscience, you will never waste your time on mindless soapies.

Sadly, these are mostly things beyond your control. If you are gardening, and you have to throw some snails over the wall into your neighbour’s seedling herb garden, then this is just one of those incontrovertible acts that makes up life. Should your neighbour then decide to ‘go organic’ and build a massive compost heap against your wall, it reflects a sore lack of judgement on his part, and it is a good thing to help him in some way, such as making use of all that money he spends on home insurance by tossing a Molotov cocktail though his bedroom window on a breezy summery evening. Neighbourliness is good. Once the home has been rebuilt, and the inheritors of his estate move in, bake them a cake, and gently tell them the Rules to Living Next Door To You.

The great irony in life is that it is always others whose character flaws are the biggest stumbling blocks to you on your path to enlightenment. Never waste your time being with people who think they are doing their bit for society by exhibiting tough love, or dishing out constructive criticism. Those things are really just out there to piss you off, so rather only befriend fawning sycophants and toadies. They are loyal and generous, and your butt will always glow pleasantly with the saliva of their subservient kisses.

It isn’t easy to give you advice for the whole of life in one go, so start small. Buy a can of petrol, a few bottles and some rags, and maybe a whetting stone for your knife collection. Knives should never be left dull. You can thank me later, when everything starts falling into place for you, and I shall meekly offer the other cheek for you to kiss.

*note: psychopaths steal images off google. I, however, merely enhance them with my brilliance. You can thank me later, Herge.