A Tall Dark Stranger Came to Poop

The sun streamed through the light cotton of the curtains in dust-spangled beams onto the dark wood of the bed, cotton sheets tangled with a discarded robe. The air was perfumed with the memories of lovemaking. She awoke, and stared dreamily at the ceiling, a faint smile drifting across her swollen lips. The pressure in her bladder caused her eyes to cross charmingly, and she swung her strong thighs over the mattress, and walked to the toilet in tiny clenched steps, the curve of her buttocks catching the morning sun as she quickly managed to rid herself of the now-processed Moet. She flushed.

Yeah. You read that correctly. I recently had to read a romance novel for, erm, research purposes. I may be scarred. It occurred to me that these cookie-cut paperbacks never have scenes like this. Fact is, most people, when they wake up, go to the loo. They don’t drape themselves meaningfully over plump pillows and eat truffle-based chocolates in a provocative manner. They wee.

Watch:

His jaw was tight and angular, as solid as the carved corner of a gabled roof, and set in a stubborn slant as he creased his brow. He thought back to the night before- how the candlelight had danced over the table in the restaurant, glinting off the crystal wine glasses and the polished silverware. He chewed his sensuous lower lip as he remembered the perfectly presented food- the livid red of the lobster, the delicate buttery taste of the artichokes. Regretfully, he also recalled that his palate was unsophisticated, and no match for the splendid mix of rich foods. His manly belly gurgled under a tangle of course hair, and he jumped from the bed in one smooth leap, his strained calf muscles rippling as he dashed to the exquisite porcelain that was his morning throne. A shimmer of sweat punctuated his relief as the liquid remains of the rich food burst forth from his insides, a runaway train of effluvium which was now set on a journey that would end in the dazzling azure waves off the sun-bleached coast.

Probably not going to catch on anytime soon, but sometimes it’s important to inject a little reality into the romance. After all, we all have to face this moment at some point. The point at which our bodies, so appealing to the opposite sex, betray us with a healthy dose of nature.

Just keeping it real…