Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Killer Interior Designs

It’s not unusual to feel this way. Often it happens as an epiphany, in the bath, say. Perhaps you’ll be lying awake staring at the ceiling, uselessly, because it’s dark, when suddenly, with three exclamation marks, you realise you should be changing things around. Shaking them up. You have become so used to your living environment that you’ve forgotten the discreet personal pleasure of upgrading your house. With a limited budget and a bit of imagination, the world of interior design is your playground.

You probably won’t be doing much to alter the finite space within your home- walls, roofs and floors usually mean contractors, and contractors mean traffic through your private areas. Also, if you are of the more DIY-able killers on the block, a formal contractor may be quick to notice a lean-to which isn’t built to regulations, or a slab of concrete which seems to sag slightly in the middle. You don’t want building inspectors around. Ever.

Let’s assume that you’re a bit of a homebody. No need to feel ashamed. It’s a hostile world out there, and you’re wise to keep it manageable within your own “castle”. Conducting your penchant for assisted death outside the home leads to tyre and footprints, soil samples and, very possibly, startled joggers soiling their tasteless nylon shorts when they come across the fruits of your labours. No, it’s always better to keep as much of what you do contained within your own home. But why settle for makeshift apartments or dull soft furnishings inherited from that loving, but too-trusting aunt? If nothing else, you’re a master at taking control of messy situations, so it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get the circulation flowing.

Let’s take a look at wall coverings. You’ve probably covered the basics already: gloss enamel is much easier to wipe down than acrylic, and less likely to discolour in the event of something spraying on it. No amount of wallpaper can adhere to a wall once you’ve used industrial strength cleaning products, so let’s go with gloss enamel paint. Colour? Easy. The colour wheel is there to be used! Too often, we tend to focus on keeping it simple with neutral colours, or just various shades of brown, but a feature wall of bright blue could do infinite wonders for your moods. It’s also true that even pink is known to be an antidote to depression- a sad affliction which many of us suffer, so don’t be afraid to slice that feminine/masculine boundary with a chainsaw and go wild with a lick of fuchsia or strawberry ice cream pink.

Window treatments, you ask? Privacy is paramount, clearly, so perhaps a curtains-and-blinds combination may work for you. If you find that curtains can become stifling in the summer months, when things start to go off quicker, then try faux curtains- a single strip of something light and washable would suffice. When selecting blinds, don’t forget one of our golden rules: Blinds have a dual function: to shield the interior from light, and to prevent prying eyes from peering where they shouldn’t. Always remember to check both sides of any blind when making that important purchase, and do a quick “wipe-down test” when the sales assistant has his or her back turned.

Now, soft furnishings can be a bit of a landmine. Some prefer to avoid clutter of any kinds, especially, for example, cushions on couches where the subject may be seated. Couches have a habit of retaining evidence, so you may prefer to have a lounge interior which is adaptable: when alone, and you wish to go for a cosy feel, put the cushions out. When you have guests or subjects around, lock the cushions away in an attractive hollow ottoman. Unless the hollow ottoman is part of your kill-strategy, in which case you’ll have to use your own ingenuity.

Most of us gravitate either up or down when it comes to our storage facilities. Attic rooms are very useful: very few people are likely to look up at the ceiling when entering the room, although they are also prone to humidity. If you are freeze-drying or smoke-drying your handiwork, then an attic is perfect, but perhaps combine the storage area with something amusing and user-friendly, such as a games room. There’s lots of space to be had inside a pool table or even a corner couch, and a double volume fridge with a false back can provide both storage and cold beer. Win-win!

If you go down into the floor to stash your victims, don’t just opt for bare concrete. Concrete tends to crack as the contents inside begin decomposing, and has a very poor longevity. Why not look at creating a warm study with a sunken basement: a fireplace doubling as an incinerator can be both practical and amusing. You very likely enjoyed playing with fire as a child, and this will bring back endless happy memories. A nearby workbench with either a stryker saw or kelvinator liquidizer will assist with reducing the likelihood of larger disposables getting caught in the grate.

Finally, the bath and toilet area. Easy to keep clean, and a favourite haven of many. Who can honestly say that, with the door deadbolted, he doesn’t feel like a king when seated on his private throne? You’re likely familiar with the challenges of stained grouting, and tried of, in the words of the bard, outing those “damned spots”. Well, you could try mosaic. Mosaics have dual benefits: colourful distractions from irregular marks, stains and scratches, and also endless hours of pleasure creating the artwork of your choice. It’s best to stick to top-of-the-range enamel bathtubs, sinks and toilets, but make sure to have your plumbing serviced for fluid-management.

And we’re done. It’s really up to you what you do with your space. You can keep your souvenir collection where it suits you. Your tools already have their own hiding places, and your place can be pleasantly accented by artworks, fresh flowers or photographs. Typically, you’ll have the furniture on rollers for easy-access to surfaces for cleaning, but you are in charge of the way the furniture is laid out.

Don’t forget to leave room for a rapid escape, should the neighbours become too curious, or one of your subjects gets away. With a simple, no-nonsense approach to killer interiors, it’ll be a cinch to recreate your haven in the next city, town, village or suburb. Think of it as Killer Living: Style to die for.

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