Thursday, July 9, 2009

You say amohbay, I say ameebuh

Life would be much simpler with a few small adjustments to our bodies. Who can honestly say that they haven’t, at some point, hankered after a thatch of stinging tentacles?* Instant solution to crowds and queuing.

A prehensile tail wouldn’t hurt, either. No more having to open the door while carrying keys, bags and food packages, while pushing a bicycle suspended from an umbrella. With a tail you can do all of this, while drinking an amusing beverage, or doing rude hand gestures to your neighbours (behind their backs, of course).

In fact, there are many novel body features we could do with. Ears in our knees, nostrils on the tops of our heads, nictitating membranes on our eyes, claws on our heels, and water-based propulsion systems.

Big whoop. So we get well-developed brains (in relation to our size). Lovely. So we can handle tools, construct complex languages and think up fiendish revenge plots. And overthink to the point of immobility.

Oprah’s guest speakers claim that life is all about decluttering, simplification, getting rid of complexity in the home and the workplace. Hmm. Something floaty sea creatures have been doing for ages, anyway.
I like the purple ones. Yup, purple. They are so purpley. Aaaaah. I feel simpler already.

*I always have to say the word 'tentacles' slowly, in case it comes out wrong. I thought you'd like to know that.


  1. Ha ha! And I always have to say "prostrate" slowly in case it comes out wrong too. =)

  2. Ooh... I think I could live with purple tentacles. Can I have sparkly ones?

  3. But if you weren't so evolved, we'd have no amusing blog posts to read ... ?

  4. @beck: Yup- I have trouble with that, although, I don't say it often..
    @angel: You can have all the spangles you need.
    @TBFKASMP: 10 points to the best sycophant of the week...

  5. OMG, I think Scott just said "testicles" on the air!

    When I'm teaching geometry, I'm very careful when saying "circumscribed".

  6. I just want to boost your search engine positioning by typing in what we're all thinking: "a thatch of stinging purple testicles."

  7. Would you want a tail AND all those tentacles? That seems a bit of overkill.

    Maybe, in the next go-round, there will be a buffet-style body part selector for us to go through on the way to being born. Mix&Match humans -- like PotatoHeads only more versatile.

  8. screw the extra-body parts, i'd like a clone please.

    so she can do the work while i lie in bed all day!

  9. where did you go? everything ok or are you just crazy busy like me?
    and oh yeah, i'm with exmi on the clone thing... ;-)

  10. New post pleaaaaase! Whats happened to you?

  11. Got to agree with anon ...

  12. I'm joining in the chorus of people asking: Where is Husbands Anonymous?

  13. Hi Scott

    Sorry but i think i missed something, are you and Janine not blogging anymore?? Im really missing your blogs. Please could you advise me if you are still on the net

  14. And Husbands Anonymous passed away, unfortunately, but is happily resurrected in the form of POINTLESS SQUID DEATH.
    You've been warned.


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