Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Uhming and Ahing.

When I listen to your bad news, words fail me. I sit and feel like I have a mouth full of dough. My head gets empty and all I can do is blurt the most inadequate nonsense, like “Shame!” or, ”No!” When what I want to do is cover you in a secure blanket of reassurances and promises. When you talk about troubles and difficulties, I loathe the Dr Phil aphorisms that drip from my mouth like deceiving syrup on a pancake- sweet for a few minutes, but just causing the brief fizz in the bloodstream before the sweetness is absorbed by the ruthlessly continuing mechanics of life.

When I hear your good news, I want to use the most humungous, ginormous, awesome hyperbole to shower you with the acknowledgement you deserve to feel. I want you to feel better than sex or drugs or rock n roll could ever make you feel, and yet, the best I can come up with in the power of your moment of shared joy is “That’s nice”.

When I’ve screwed up, yep, I do that, what I want to do is fall to my knees begging for forgiveness; make you physically aware of the humiliation and the shame, the recriminations and the guilt. Instead I say “I’m sorry”.

When I feel love, disappointment, joy, anger, hope, rage, optimism, faith, disgust, delight, grief, fear, regret, enthusiasm, sadness, elation- I want to have a mouth that speaks the words I have elbowing each other around in the waiting room of my head. Please know that. Please know that my verbal inadequacy is not a reflection of the complexity within. I don’t express it well enough, so if you hear something that sounds good, it really is well-meant. If I disappoint you with my stumbling phrases when you need encouragement and love, I promise you, those words are there, and I mean you to hear them.


  1. this is very very powerful. The kind of words that leave you begging for more. Amazing stuff - don't ever stop - I hear it's cathartic :P

  2. @Cath: thx, but this kinda pisses me off a bit. I want to write funny stuff that makes people smile, not blab my guts out like some EMO teen. Oh. So, cathartic you say? xx

  3. And then you humble us by writing like this...

  4. @andre: be warned- it's just piffle and bilge spilled out in the unguarded heat of the moment... Humble the Master? I don't think so! :-)

  5. having read this i am humbled and at a loss for words myself to comment. your words have a powerfulimpact on ones soul keep up the good wrtiing my friend :) i lokk forward to more -kambabe

  6. @kambabe: mwah! see? I haven't improved on the expressiveness. lol.


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