Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Uhming and Ahing.


When I listen to your bad news, words fail me. I sit and feel like I have a mouth full of dough. My head gets empty and all I can do is blurt the most inadequate nonsense, like “Shame!” or, ”No!” When what I want to do is cover you in a secure blanket of reassurances and promises. When you talk about troubles and difficulties, I loathe the Dr Phil aphorisms that drip from my mouth like deceiving syrup on a pancake- sweet for a few minutes, but just causing the brief fizz in the bloodstream before the sweetness is absorbed by the ruthlessly continuing mechanics of life.

When I hear your good news, I want to use the most humungous, ginormous, awesome hyperbole to shower you with the acknowledgement you deserve to feel. I want you to feel better than sex or drugs or rock n roll could ever make you feel, and yet, the best I can come up with in the power of your moment of shared joy is “That’s nice”.

When I’ve screwed up, yep, I do that, what I want to do is fall to my knees begging for forgiveness; make you physically aware of the humiliation and the shame, the recriminations and the guilt. Instead I say “I’m sorry”.

When I feel love, disappointment, joy, anger, hope, rage, optimism, faith, disgust, delight, grief, fear, regret, enthusiasm, sadness, elation- I want to have a mouth that speaks the words I have elbowing each other around in the waiting room of my head. Please know that. Please know that my verbal inadequacy is not a reflection of the complexity within. I don’t express it well enough, so if you hear something that sounds good, it really is well-meant. If I disappoint you with my stumbling phrases when you need encouragement and love, I promise you, those words are there, and I mean you to hear them.

6 comments:

  1. this is very very powerful. The kind of words that leave you begging for more. Amazing stuff - don't ever stop - I hear it's cathartic :P

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  2. @Cath: thx, but this kinda pisses me off a bit. I want to write funny stuff that makes people smile, not blab my guts out like some EMO teen. Oh. So, cathartic you say? xx

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  3. And then you humble us by writing like this...
    :))

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  4. @andre: be warned- it's just piffle and bilge spilled out in the unguarded heat of the moment... Humble the Master? I don't think so! :-)

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  5. having read this i am humbled and at a loss for words myself to comment. your words have a powerfulimpact on ones soul keep up the good wrtiing my friend :) i lokk forward to more -kambabe

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  6. @kambabe: mwah! see? I haven't improved on the expressiveness. lol.

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