Saturday, October 31, 2009

After a night of thinking too much.

Fear is thinking that the scenarios in your head could actually come true. That the things that went bump in the night could be more than rogue draughts under the ill-fitting doorways to your heart. That the glass which seems half-full will no longer remain so once you put your thirst into practice. Fear is the irrationality of a nightmare becoming flesh, and overruling your concept of stability and normalcy. Fear is paralysing and debilitating. Fear is the full-body cast of plaster on your damaged frame, pinning you to the place where bedsores of anxiety and paranoia perpetuate a cycle of emotional infirmity.

Fear is the awareness that the end of your existence is a phone call away, the confirmation of the imminent collapse of your brittle architecture. Fear is the knowledge that others can find a place on the lifeboat, but your inflatable vest will leave you vulnerable to attacks from below.

Fear will petrify you- not in the ghoul-in-the-cupboard-under-the-stairs way, but like a life-form made stone by scorching forces from within the bowels of the earth. It puts you on trial, with a never-ending parade of witnesses, an archive of irrefutable evidence. It judges and condemns, and sentences, and shows no mercy. Fear decapitates and disembowels, it takes the body and preserves it as a cloudy formalin-soaked husk in a jar.

Fear brings an empty sack and a sawn-off shotgun to your heart, and holds you hostage while it rummages through your belongings, looking for anything of value and destroying the rest. It burglarises and robs, and is ignorant of human rights or constitutions.

Fear is a lie.

The truth? The truth is a lost object suddenly uncovered in the back of a drawer. Truth is putting on new clothes and feeling fresh. Truth is being discharged from the hospital ward, a certificate saying that you are healthy enough to carry on. Truth is in the experiences of others, the validation that comes with common knowledge. Truth says you are not alone, that hope exists and we can endure. Truth mobilises and encourages, and heals. Truth is a surprise gift in the mailbox, the reuniting of long-lost relatives. Truth restores and brings restitution. Truth is an exposure of false evidence and a verdict of Not Guilty. Truth is transparent- it’s always there, but sometimes you look right through, and miss it. Truth rewrites endings and revises condemnation. It defies destruction and cynicism with happy endings, and erases the meaningless graffiti of emotional vandalism with a fresh coat of paint. Truth is there. You can grab it, share it, hold it, live it. The truth will always be the truth, relative to nothing but itself. Truth is not a Winfrey-ism or a motto on a badge, but more real than the landscape which surrounds you. Truth is sulphuric acid to fear. Truth smothers it and dissolves it, reveals it as nothing but holograms and mirrors.

Fear fears truth. Truth fears nothing.

I don’t particularly give a hoot if you don’t relate to this non-entry. I need to set some boundaries in my head, so you can skip this one and go to the next, which may be funny, or it may not. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.


  1. i would by no means call this a non-entry - it's an erudite encapsulation of so many of the hours we spend crawling around the dank corners of our minds. and another reminder as to why you're one of my favorite bloggers (not that i get to read - or write - much lately, but still.)
    thank you.

  2. Nicely written, I totally get it.You know what I liked reading the most was that you said Truth rather than Hope. I know one has to have hope but it to me can be as damaging if all is just based on hope. But truth, just going with what is true and what you have is healing.

  3. @sass: Noooo! You missed it- I'm as shallo as, well, a half-empty glass :)But yes- it is the stuff that we don't write that unites us as humans- the zoo we have in our heads... Thanks for the lovely comment.
    @Sally-Jane: Truh is so much more than hope- hope is good, but lacks the substance of truth. At the moment, hope seems to be something which may or may not happen, and I need more than that.

  4. WOW! Man, that was a totally-knock-your-socks-off-non-entry if ever there was one. And I agree, hope can be based on Fear as easily as Truth or Wishful Thinking. When I read stuff like this I feel like a total hack. I don't want to sound smarmy or schmoozy or worse, I don't want to gush, but man, his was awesome and that's the Truth.

  5. The audacity of truth. I LOVE this!

  6. @Herb Thanks for the kind words- you always have such nice things to say. Gush away!
    @Abby Totally audacious- takes your breath away when you see it for what it is.

  7. I read it twice.
    I like the truth part.

  8. @angel- yeah, the fear part does suck quite a bit. Love the awakening, though.


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