Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Wretched Tale of the Scabbed Head


Recently I moved into a house with no mirrors. After a couple of days of shaving my ears, I realised that I needed to see myself again. What kind of a house has no bathroom mirror (or hook to hang one on)? I can only imagine that the previous occupant was a vampire without a reflection, or someone with self-esteem issues.

So I bought one. A snazzy small one which I put on the bathroom windowsill. It was double sided, and pivoted around, to show a magnified version of my face. (For that early morning startling feeling) I carefully examined my nicked ears and the tufts of facial hair growing at randomly skipped intervals, and felt human again. I see myself, therefore I exist?

Stupid wind blew the stupid mirror into the bath, where it exploded. Seven years of bad luck, beginning with a lacerated butt?

Next, I bought two other mirrors. Cheap ones (my mirror budget appearing to now depleted with the destruction of the first). The trouble with cheap mirrors is that they tend to distort your appearance. In the tall one, I look like a Modigliani bendy-toy portrait, and in the other, an old sad guy. Ok, the latter is how I currently look, but then a mirror should at least do a Snow White commentary- “Damn, dude, you are lookin’ scooooorchin’ today” would be nice.

It comes down to life crises- I’ve been “immediately forgetting what I look like”. The mirror-image version of me is similar, but with definite warped features. Maybe it really is the house. Like something Poe could have written- The Twisted Mirror. Well, this raven is going to quoth nevermore, soon. I think I’ll go back to shaving parma ham slivers off my nose, and walking around with congealed egg on my chin. The only other option is to seek out a tranquil brook, and gaze at my reflection in that, but tranquil brooks are a mite scarce near my house, and also tend to be damp on the banks. It isn’t summer yet.

Seven years. Good grief. I’m trying to remember the one I broke seven years ago, and fourteen years ago and…. Well. You get the picture. As warped as it is.

6 comments:

  1. My home mirrors are decidedly better than any store mirror. You would think they would buy mirrors that make people look thinner. I do not understand why they don't. It would surely be 'marketing'?

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  2. @Acidicice: There seems to be a trend towards cheap mirrors lately... I'm not one for being over-dramatic (hahahahahahhahahaha) but mirrors seem to be very hostile objects...

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  3. I don't have too many mirrors in my house... i scare myself.

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  4. @Angel: Weird how mirrors and cameras are enemies to so many people- I say people, but I mean women (I'm not generalising too much- it is the cold truth!)

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  5. Duuuuuuuude. I hate to break this to you but it's not *just* in mirrors that you look like a Modigliani bendy-toy portrait ... *grin*

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  6. @TBFNAMP: Too much humour! You are joking, right??

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