Friday, June 12, 2009

Bow down, loyal subjects

I’m considering a career change. Well, not exactly an actual change, just a more impressive way of describing myself. At the moment, owing to a variety of reasons collected under the banner heading of ‘life’, I have the self-esteem of algae cowering on a rock off the coast of Antarctica. When you’re a teen, you assume that fame, wealth and an endless supply of snack food will slip into your lap like a spilled milkshake at the Wimpy, but, as you grow older, and bills/responsibilities creep up on you and bite you in your vulnerable parts, you realize that life is what happens in between the parentheses of bodily functions and sleep.

So. Here’s an exercise you can all take part in: No longer think of yourself as the titles in your ID book, passport or CV- lets’s get started:

  • Always add the word Guru to your current role. You are no longer a parent, you are a Childcare Guru. You no longer manage an office, or work in marketing, you are a Management or Marketing Guru.

  • This next one is similar: If you have a FB or Twitter account, you are a Social Networking/Media Maven. It doesn’t matter if all your updates are about the contents of your sandwiches, and your contacts are either people you’ve never actually met or the same classmates who drove you to therapy, you are a Maven.

  • You own a run-down semi in Slumsville, Cape Town? Well, technically, the bank owns it, but that shouldn’t stop you from calling yourself a Real Estate Magnate. Being a Magnate is like being a magnet- you’ll draw success to yourself! (How’s that for a vapid statement?)

  • You may be out of work, but you get up in the morning, right? Therefore, you are a Director. You direct yourself to the couch, and you watch TV, or direct all your mental energy into downloading pictures of opossums with amusing captions. That takes energy and consistency. Both vital directorial attributes.

  • DNA and genetics are complex things, but common sense says that at some point in your heritage, you were connected to a royal family. (A relative may have been the unacknowledged bastard spawn of a defunct Baronetcy, but just feel the blue blood. Let it flow). You choose the title most suited to you. King may be ambitious, initially, but each of us can be a prince or princess, particularly if you have an over-fondness for Nina Simone and the feeling of lace against your skin.

  • There are many experts in the world, but nobody knows as much as you do about YOU. Grant yourself a PHD in you-ness. Feel free to start a blog about YOU, so that others can share in YOUR world. Shared knowledge is a marvellous thing.

    I’m hoping you are starting to catch on. Feeling the me-ness, the we-ness, the inner power spilling over the meniscus of your limitations. Feel free to comment (I’m not above mingling with commoners), only, please address me as: King Scott, PHD, Director of Private Company, Social Media Maven, Real Estate Magnate and Childcare Guru. (King Scott, PHDDPCSMMREMCG).


  1. @Dame Most High justBcoz: You feeling the inner power already? :-)

  2. I had no idea how amazing you were. (and I only THOUGHT I was I KNOW I am)

  3. @QueenBeej: We're ALL amazing- just one massive huddle of amazingness.

  4. Dear King Scott, PHD, Director of Private Company, Social Media Maven, Real Estate Magnate and Childcare Guru. (a/k/a King Scott, PHDDPCSMMREMCG)

    I bow in humble obeisance to the wisdom espoused in this. You are truly the Guru of All Mavens.

    Seriously, this is better than "The Secret." If you jazz this up a little with some psychobabble, you've got an international best-seller. And I want you to insist that Oprah refer to you by your full title.


    Dr. Baron Von Magnate, Guru of Development Direction, Ph.D.

  5. WOW! Not sure a common person like me should be commenting on the blog of a person with such social standing!!!!

  6. @Briane P (Dr. Baron Von Magnate, Guru of Development Direction, Ph.D.): And if I fail, the sanatorium ward orderleys can call me by that, instead.
    @DuchessLaura: This is your opportunity to share in delusions of grandeur. WOW!, right back at ya...

  7. Hmm. Think you missed one. TOOYA. Talk out of your arse.

  8. @Dame SMP: Is that I thinly veiled insult? I feel a thin insult veil settling on me, just as I was regaining my confidence, too. Sigh.

  9. Hmm. A thinly veiled insult, eh? Must be losing my touch ;p

  10. @GrandPumbaSMP: *Drapes thick skin on head*

  11. Oh, I've DEFINITELY caught on since, apparently, I needed this! You had me at "Guru"!

  12. I think I can do that- though I may need help with all the letters at the end of my title...


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