Friday, June 5, 2009

The OTHER Stages of Grief


  • Uhmming and aaahing about deleting the dead person’s number from your phonebook or contacts list. Because you really want a corpse to skype you?
  • Uncontrollable laughter: When you get together with family and laugh until you cry, sometimes even losing control of your bladder slightly.
  • Temporary alcohol abuse: And ANOTHER toast to the deceased, the hangover won’t matter- we’re aliiiive!
  • Rooting through CD/book collections- heck it isn’t like they need this stuff anymore, and, besides, they borrowed stuff and never returned it.
  • Trying to find suitable clothes to wear to the memorial service, knowing that you’ll forever think of them as ‘the death clothes’ and not be able to wear them.
  • Disappointment: The inheritance left to you was scarcely enough to cover the cost of the Death Clothes.
  • Amateur genetics: Wondering about the likelihood of you inheriting that one rogue gene which felled your relative.
  • Supermarket Syndrome: Isn’t that XXX squeezing the mangoes in the fresh produce aisle? Because all dead people love to hang around supermarkets.
  • Meteorology: Finding a patch of mountain/ocean where the wind is not blowing in such a way as to coat you with scattered ashes.
  • Mortal politeness: Realising that you are elbowing your way to the front of the family queue in terms of expiration eligibility, and really wanting someone else to go first.

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There’s just something innately amusing about death. Birth? Sure, everybody treats it with the awe and mystique it deserves. Death- Well, you can’t take it too seriously, can you?

5 comments:

  1. I don't know hey.... I still have some dead people on my phone. Fuck I'm gonna be surprised when they phone!

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  2. @Wenchy: Especially if they reverse the charges.

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  3. The worst is when that dead person's partner starts using their phone...

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  4. @Baldy: I...must...update...my....status...
    Scary thought.

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  5. Our family usually has the most amazing "parties" after the funeral...

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