Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Mmmm, cockroach by-products on toast

Often in life, it comes down to PR. All over the news, we’re hearing about a global bee tragedy. The theory that when bees disappear, the world is doomed is clearly causing no small amount of anxiety.

But they’ve had a good run, bees. Yes, they make honey and wax, and make cute motifs on baby blankets, but they are just insects. Insects with stings. Insects that swarm and can kill people. All the toast smeared with golden honey in the world is not going to save me from hating the pants off them if I collapse in a suffusion of pustulating flesh after a bee attack.

Ever heard of people being chased and killed by cockroaches? Exactly. While Baby Gap are unlikely to use roach-themed fabric for their summer range, there’s a lot to be said for these resilient little bugs.

One of the few facts I remember from high school biology (apart from the birds and the OTHER bees), is that cockroaches can dorsiventrally flatten themselves. So they can squeeeeze into very compact places. Wouldn’t you like to be able to do that? Much more interesting than dancing in figure-eights and filling up my knees with pollen. Also, cockroaches can apparently survive for years just eating the glue off postage stamps. Bees? not so much.

Apparently there is a plague of bed bugs in the US at the moment. According to National Geographic specials, as far as I can remember, they live in every bed, anyway. It’s not like you can autocratically decide to rename them curtain bugs, and force them to leave. They like beds! Imagine if you were summarily executed for just living where you’ve always lived. Maybe we should look at buying more beds to accommodate them. Bunk up, guys!

I know I’m not winning you over- most of you have seen the Bee Movie, and are suckers for the stripy-jacketed thugs, and that’s ok. Just remember, in literature, there is an historical precedent for human beings getting it wrong:

Boo Radley, in To Kill a Mockingbird is not a psychopathic killer.
But, how many books have you read where the killer is just the ordinary guy-next-door?

Time will prove me right. (And, hopefully, roaches will acquire the ability to read, and I shall be King Roach, master prophet of all things which live under the bed).

Thanks, Brandy101 for the heads up on bed bugs.


  1. there is a powerpuff girls episode about this... king of the roaches.

    the roaches still lose out to the powerpuff girls :)

  2. @c@th: No plagiarism going on here (unless because of poor memory)- never seen a powerpuff girls episode on that. But others, yes, to my dismay.

  3. You are certainly welcome.

    I do like bees. So much so that I feel guilty eating honey!

  4. @brandy101: See? There's a bug for everyone, and I made the bed bugs sound almost friendly. Equal opportunity entomology.

  5. Oi I AM a Bee - a DIVINE bee at that - although I don't sting or fill my knees up with pollen.

  6. @Divinebee: Admittedly, that is a bit snappier than 'divineroach', or 'divinemaggot'.

  7. roaches and flying ants give me the absolute willies... bees and other bugs I can live with.

  8. @angel: Flying ants taste quite sugary. It's a boy thing. Don't ask.

  9. You ate a flying ant? Yet you don't like bees. I heart bees. Actually no. I heart honey. Very versatile, honey. Roaches, not so much.

  10. Hello how come you dont blog anymore? I only found your blog yesterdaya nd now I see there hasn't been a post since MAY?


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