Sunday, May 17, 2009

The Husbands Symphony: First Movement

Perfect people don’t go to the toilet. Hollywood proves it. Disney confirms it. Think back to the movies: If, and that’s a rare occurrence- probably some ‘out there’ art-house-independent film company, you see a toilet in a movie, it’s because there’s a body next to it. You may, if you are into that kind of film, see a man relieving himself on a tree or in an alleyway (also next to a corpse), but not in a toilet.

Mafia movies: The focus is never on the urinal, but the bloody showdown about to take place. Likewise, action movies: there’s a drug deal about to take place, or a line about to get snorted.

Ever seen a Disney animal crouching on the lawn to have a bowel movement, or a human walking around with a poop scoop? I’m no David Attenborough, but I have seen plenty of wild animals, and they seem to have an endless supply. They seem to save it up for my visits to the zoo, or leave it on the leafy paths in the local forest. The zoo does not smell like roses, that’s for sure. Farms? A visit to the farm is accompanied by scraping green and brown stuff out of the tread of your shoes.

But that’s ok: just part of experiencing nature.

All you have to do is see the flat-eared look a cat gets in the litter box to know that it’s a natural desire for us to be out of the sphere of attention when we go to the loo. I, personally, can attest to the feeling of protestation when you discover that a parent can no longer be guaranteed a few minutes of alone time. Despite knowing that your children need constant attention, you still desire those few minutes to let your body work.

I can vividly remember the first uncomfortable weeks of marriage- living in a small space. No longer able to hold it in, knowing that you will have to make a trip at some point. Trying to encourage your new spouse to take a walk. Waiting for a noisy commercial break on TV, or running a bath to conceal the noises.

Some couples, and we are NOT one of them, are happy to have an ‘open-door’ policy when it comes to abluting. I don’t get it. To me, nothing quite kills the tiny hint of mystery I like to cling to, than knowing that a person is about to go to the toilet, or worse, what they have done there. Not Neen. She never goes to the toilet.

I think I’ll install a Do Not Disturb widget on this page. You can let me know when you need to be alone, and I won’t disturb you. I’ll do it later, though. Right now, there’s something I need to do. Brb.


  1. My personal prayer for you is that your life move forward so that the words "bloody showdown" and "urinal" never find call to be combined in a sentence again.

  2. Never ever will there be an open-door policy in this house!


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