Space, the Final Frontier, or, Give a Polar Bear a Platonic Kiss

You know those little toys: The ones that appear to be made only in China, where health and safety regulations are more suggestions than legislation? The toys which, when soaked in water, increase to 600% of their original size? I’d love to see that factory- either it’s a massive sprawling warehouse, or a really tiny, well-waterproofed one.

What if all those toys worldwide suddenly came into contact with water? All very well, Great Britain-sized ice shelves detaching from continental Antarctica, but how real is the risk of flooding? I hereby propose to the United Nations that all toyshops and markets stocking those toys be relocated to mountaintops. I, for one, do not wish to be smothered by a giant rubber dinosaur.

And the same goes for instant food: Food that comes desiccated in boxes: Just add water and boil. Warning, Food keeps on expanding after removed from heat.
Hmm. And for just how long does it keep on expanding? They could at least add a clause that says ‘until 17.00 on Wednesday’. What if all dried food suddenly got rehydrated?

And self-inflatable life-rafts and jackets. What if, for some hitherto undiscovered reason, these all inflated?

As much as I love polar bears (who hasn’t succumbed to a little bear fantasy occasionally?), the real worry for me about global warming is products designed to expand when they come into contact with water. I’m no Al Gore, but I think we should all drive our hybrid cars down to the seaside and ponder this.

If, and this is not really an if, but a WHEN, the tidal surge comes, you’ll find me rafting down a slick of chicken-noodle-bolognaise, because I, for one, am prepared.