Tuesday, April 21, 2009

By the time you read this, your life will be shorter.


It’s the little things that make up life. No! Not sperm cells and eggs, I mean the things that consume our time, fill in the gaps between birth and death.

It’s fairly easy to calculate how many hours are spent (wasted?) sleeping- average out a quantity over a month or so, and x by life expectancy. It should be easy, but whenever I do that, and include the amount of time spent cooking and eating, I always end up with a minus figure- I‘d have to live to the age of 150. Maths has never been a close personal friend- If mathematics tried to follow me on Twitter, I’d block it.

Small things: Whenever I have to cover school books, wrap presents or seal a garbage bag with a hacked up body in it, I kick myself for not owning a tape dispenser. Without fail, I have to search for the end of the sellotape with every piece needed. I try leaving a flap sticking up, or creating a small bulge, but it just vanishes. Those are minutes and hours I have wasted.

Searching for tools. I have a toolbox (I am MAN, hear me ROAAAR) but I always consider DIY finished when the picture is hung or the shelf screwed in. Tidying up afterwards doesn’t feature- in much the same way that men don’t fiddle around making salads for a braai (barbecue). What? I made FIRE! I cooked the meat! (ROAAAR).

Anyway. Finding the end of the toilet paper, looking for sharp thingies to take the metal seals off wine bottles, picking up lego which has just pierced the sole of my foot, picking up socks which fall on the ground when I’m hanging up the washing, waiting for the menu screen on DVDs…

My life has vanished into that black hole.

I won’t even mention the personal hygiene stuff: washing hands, brushing teeth, weeing, washing hands again (see?- not a complete slob). Then there is just tidying, washing clothes, ironing, ironing, ironing, changing nappies (lost about a year on that alone!), walking to the station, travelling by train, going to the shop to get groceries, going a second time because I forget stuff.

All this adds up. Which leaves me with approximately twelve seconds of ‘free’ time per day: seven to write stupid stuff on the internet, 4 to work, and one second of totally free time to just sit and enjoy life.

So in total, over my lifetime, I will (optimistically) have one minute and twenty seconds of metime. Unless I buy a tape dispenser, in which case I will gain approximately 52 years.

18 comments:

  1. VERRRYYY funny - I have been doing the same damn thing with sellotape. Mental note to buy dispenser and save 52 years of life. Yay.

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  2. That explains why I just sat down to take a deep breath and was called to do something else instead. So much for my one second of me-time today!

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  3. @divinebee: I said I would gain 52 years, you have the jump on me by, er... a few. heheheh.
    @Michelle: It's a law of physics: When a vacuum exists, other things rush in. Ok, I made up that law, but it sounds sound.

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  4. Can we all pitch in and get Scott a tape dispenser? I want you to have more free time to write stuff like this. It does my heart good to know that I am not the only person who considers a job done BEFORE putting the tools away.

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  5. @Briane P: Maybe the tape is there to teach me something, by overcoming my nemesis by sheer willpower, I can do anything. I just wrote this after opening up my computer to vacuumit (dunno if that helps!), and put it on to check nothing was damaged. Saw your comment, and responded. I can see the screwdriver taunting me now.

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  6. Hmm. There's a poster up on a cube near my desk. I walk past it every morning and nod to myself. It's got a picture of Calvin on it, and the caption, that reads "God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. I'm so far behind that at this rate I will never die".

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  7. @SMP: Lots of revealing information to an erstwhile detective there: Yuo have a cube, near your desk, with enough space for a poster, so it must be a big cube (or a small poster), and the company apparently allows the flagrant mockery of both important religious figures and poor timekeeping.
    You work for the government, right?

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  8. @SMP :A high-class gentleman's establishment?

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  9. Well it has got a discreet brass plaque outside the front door ... ;)

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  10. PS Cellotape is the devil's plaything.

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  11. @SMP: Like I said, govt, or brothel. And yes. It is.

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  12. Are you impugning my honour? How ... nice.

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  13. @SMP: In order to be impugned, it has to exist!
    Enough now! I apologise.

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  14. Gotta admit, that's some logic! I like it!!

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  15. @MHM: You realise that brings in to question your own sanity? Join the rest of us!
    @MDL: I'm a good finisher...

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  16. Dude.
    You are fargin hysterical!

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