Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Good Clean Fun With Body Fluids

Encore! Once you get stuck on a theme, it’s best to keep on at it until it’s out of your system, so out, bodily fluids, OUT!

It bugs me that some mommies absentmindedly nibble on the same cookie/biscuit that their baby has been sucking. And that when you wrinkle up your nose at it, they say things like ‘Well he lived inside me for nine months, so I don’t get grossed out by him’ as an indictment on me for not wanting to engage in a spittle-drinking contest. In fact, the ‘well I carried him for nine months’ phrase can pretty much close down any argument. I try to suggest that that’s the way we are different, biologically, but then I picture a full-term baby being pushed through my nether regions, and I no longer feel like chatting much. About anything.

But surely we can be grossed out by babies? I see a mommy biting her baby’s toes, and I think, aaaawww, until I get closer, and fall back, reeling, with the sudden realization that at a certain age, a baby’s feet smell just like adult ones… That is not cute! Slightly rancid babytoes will not make my ‘special memories list’.

As I’ve already alienated mommies, the same goes for people who kiss dogs or cats on their snouts. Dogs with hanging pendula of saliva. Cats with easily dislodged fur. The occasional reassuring pat or stroke is fine for a domestic animal, you don’t have to treat it like an over-familiar cousin…

I like: Bathroom doors with locks on. I say bathroom, but I mean toilet. I don't want to be told ‘Hannah hit me and took my dinosaur’ during a private moment. At that point, it is me and my inner being, and I. Do. Not. Care. I also don’t want to see anybody else getting reacquainted with the contents of their bellies, thanks, so could everyone please SHUT THE DOOR!

I don’t feel the need to wash my hands after meeting people, or own economy-sized bottles of disinfectant, but I have my boundaries. Boundaries are good! They keep us from marrying direct relatives and stealing the cheese clearly marked ‘mine! skullandcrossbones’ from a housemate.
I have a mouthful of spit, but I am happy that it is my spit. I don’t want to have a mouthful of somebody else’s. Except Neen’s, but that’s different, right? Sorry Neenie… I won’t go into details…
Reminds of a joke I either made up or read (Soooorrry, can’t remember). Re: Jimi Hendrix: What’s worse than choking to death on your own vomit? Choking to death on somebody else’s.
Maybe this comes from having my older brother hold me down and try to gob into my mouth when I was a kid?

The spittle-related stuff stops, right here.


  1. The spittle-related stuff stops, right here.
    Oh halleluijah and praise the Lord.
    ptooooey ;)

  2. STOP! I'm beginning to feel like Sid Vicious. Being spat on.

  3. And we all know that by "some mommies" you mean me.......

  4. you didnt lose me on the mommy comments - it was the cat/dog ones!

    One of my cats LOVES to be kissed. On the mouth. The mouth that I supposed he licks his butt with...

    And my dogs get kissed, too, but they are not stinky breath drooly dogs.

  5. You know, sometimes when I'm eating a piece of hard candy it occurs to me that I'm drinking artificially flavored spit and considering it a treat. Even worse when I have a cold and it's a smoothie of artificially flavored spit and phlegm.

  6. Rats! My own comment disappeared... OK..
    @Janine: No harm meant! You are a great mommy, and not the stereotype at all- k?
    @Brandy101: Eeeeeew! Thank goodness this blog allows for no physical contact. You have to live the internet for that, sometimes.
    @MDL: A bit like oysters?
    Mmmmm hungry now.

  7. ugh!
    I kiss out dog, but on the head. We practically run to the bleach if her tongue ends up anywhere near our mouths.
    And the whole spittle-covered food things? No thanks. Just because it lived in you for 9-months doesn't mean anything.

  8. @stopbouncing: You bleach your MOUTHS?
    Thanks for backing me up on the spittle-food...

  9. The only time I will kiss or nibble a baby's toes is if they're still tiny and not being used yet and fresh out of a bath.
    As for kissing cats and dogs- I'm right with you!

  10. I will change the channel if there is dog tongue licking peoples faces - kotch


Say something! It can't be worse than what I have said. Note: Sometimes you have to press 'comment' twice. Stupid comments thingy.