Monday, April 6, 2009

The picture of innocence

I think babies are very poorly designed. If I was in charge, I would make them more like naked mole rats. It takes a very special person to look at one and come out with anything other than a strangled ‘uuuurrrrgggghhh’ sound. Which does indicate that people do have fickle and shallow natures when it comes to the concept of beauty. I mean, what if the naked mole rat had a heart of gold, a generous spirit, and a great capacity for unconditional love?

Human babies, on the other hand, elicit coos of joy, and spontaneous upwellings of tears. And yet they cannibalise their mothers, vacuum every minute of every day in to a sleepless, thankless butlering lifestyle. They demand, demand, demand. Oh suuuure, they have disproportionately large eyes, and velvety complexions, but if you look within, the monstrous nature of the human infant is revealed.

I’m immune to their manipulations- had three, and have realised now that the youngest is three, I’m almost out of the psychological solitary confinement that is parenting a baby. You can’t twist my arm into thinking we should have another, just to even out the numbers, or to ‘keep us young’. Ha! I WAS young, before I had babies.

And that goes for domestic animals, too. So what if puppies and kittens are furry and have huge eyes? So do baby spiders (spiderlings?). Nope, no bundle of fur in a wicker basket is going to fool me. All I can hear in my head, when the children ask me for an animal, is those same voices calling me in the night – ‘Daaaaaaddddd, the cat/dog has just weed/pooed/vomited/keeled over dead!’ and it will become my duty to clean/wipe/hose down/bury.

I’ll resist all attempts to persuade me to cave into demands for anything based on a popular view of ‘cuteness’. Next time they demand a baby pet, they are getting a baby naked mole rat…

It’s all about instilling healthy values.

*Call it a cynical morning. I can’t say that these opinions do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the writer, because that is insane, but I am not normally as uncharitable towards cute things.


  1. Babies (humans and otherwise) are adorable, especially when they're young. It gets more complicated when they get older. Thanks for posting a comment on the blog by the way!

  2. @Evie: I thought maybe by being horribly negative, I could convince myself I don't like 'em, but I guess I love those little chinless wonders.

  3. kittens become cats
    puppies become dogs
    adorable children become embarrassed teenagers

    Take them to the un-wanted-do-pound and see if they still think baby animals are cute.

    Your Fellow Cynic,

  4. @Stephanie: Sulking teenagers.... aaaarggghhh.
    We did go to the pound, and they happened to have a litter of very ugly puppies- looked like sawn-off sheep. I very nearly found myself standing at the front door every evening calling 'snooowwwyy, or fluuuufffffyy', but I managed to defer them.

  5. Hmm except you adopting a furry off-spring which vaguely resembles a feline from your lovely SIL not so?

  6. @Bee: Like I said- we can stuff it, then have a cute kitten forever! And marvellously continent, too!


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