Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I am a baaad man with a heart puckered with evil

Things I should know better not to do, but do anyway:

Swear in foreign languages: It both exculpates you when you do it, and feels completely satisfying. Unless a speaker of that language happens to be nearby. A great favourite is ‘twak’ which could be translated from the Afrikaans as tobacco, but also means, gently put, nonsense. And ‘Strond’, which is an even stronger version.

Sniggering at people with hairpieces. I have a bad habit of being able to spot toupes. And, rather nastily, feeling superior when I stand next to someone wearing what looks to be a badly trimmed muskrat.

Littering. You can try and convince yourself all you want that it is actually a form of job creation for the sanitation industry, but really it is just making the world a horrible place. I mean, I actually don’t enjoy seeing litter, so why do I do it?

Tripping up rude toddlers. Ok, I only did this once, but the kid was bullying all the other children. And no, I didn’t feel like Superman protecting the tiny people afterwards, I felt like a doos.

Telling myself that ‘another glass won’t hurt’. It frequently does.

Smoking. Say. No. More.

Continuing to watch Nicholas Cage movies in the hope that one will be as good as Raising Arizona. I am so glad I don’t go to his hairstylist. Or Al Pacino’s. Or Donald Trump’s.

Buying ‘Best of’ CDs. They always, always miss out the one song I want to hear, and then I can’t justify buying another CD, as most of the songs will be duplicated.

Buying clothes without trying them on. Apparently, I am not as good a judge as I think of whether or not something will fit, just because it rashly claims to be in my size.

Not exchanging stuff, because I am too self-conscious.

Throwing away food in a country where people are starving.

Watching political debate, thinking surely, SOMEBODY will make sense.

Making my children cry by overdoing what I think is funny, and they do not. Anyone who can tell the joke ‘knock-knock…who’s there…cows go…cows go who?, silly, cows go MOO’ ten times in a row is not reading the same humour script as me.

And those are fairly harmless things. There are worse, much worse, but I don’t feel close enough to you to tell you… What do YOU do, that you know you shouldn’t?


  1. I laugh when my son plays jokes on his sister when I should stop him.

  2. @Mocha Dad: I know the feeling- great fun, until you see the little face crumple...

  3. I put the Babies! to bed early and say that they are tired, when really I just want to watch "Jeopardy!" without getting tackled during it.

    And I swear sarcastically and vehemently at almost every other driver on the road.

  4. @Briane P: I have tried early bedtime- but the eldest can now tell the time. Rats.
    What is a road hog, Alex?

  5. 1.) swear/curse using every expletive in the book
    2.) pee with the bathroom door open (sorry - TMI?)
    3.) sometimes harbor misanthropic thoughts about humanity

  6. @Brandy: yup- it is a tricky habit to bust! number one, number two- er- well with children you have no privacy anyway- I'm assuming this is a home-bound phenomenon!, and three- I'm gonna translate that as: People are assholes, sometimes...


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